From the beginning

After separating from my ex-husband in February of 2006, I faced the challenge of his visitation with our three children. Every other weekend I lingered about for what felt like eternity. My home became a gigantic void, too quiet. Determined not to sit idle, I purchased a pet bird. While the chirping brought relief from the silence, it did nothing for the loneliness. I tried talking to the little guy, but nothing really came of it (birds truly lack focus!). I kept imagining that I could hear my daughters' voices and kept looking around for my son...

At thirty-three years old (and a teacher, at that) all my peers were married with kids. Without single friends, I always felt like the social pariah. I tried to avoid inconveniencing married friends with my lame calls about how I was doing nothing. They lacked interest in going out, because most were grateful to have just a moment with their men if the kids weren't around. No time to go out with a divorced girl friend. Ugh...

I only lasted through the first month or so, when I started dabbling around dating sites. I honestly wondered if anyone could ever be interesting in dating someone my age with so many kids, and reasoned that surely dating just for fun was better than staying home wallowing in this.

Not long after I subscribed to Match.com, I realized these dating sites attract all sorts. There were many old men, all sorts of odd types, and the ones whose profile pics were shirtless. I avoided those! Yes, really, I did. There was a teacher I dated for a while before learning what exactly a player was. Like a fool, I started to think I loved him after a few months. Now I look back and realized what everyone meant by "rebound relationship."

Sometime around September came an email from a man named Sebastian. He was listed as a 32 year old man, working at the airline, having a master's degree and no children. His self-description was well-written and showed a variety of interests. The user name was AMAMADEUS. My main hook was intelligence at this point. (I also learned that poorly written profiles seemed to be quite indicative.) No smile in the picture, but I really like the smoldering look in his eyes. He seemed like a happy person, and I wondered what he looked like in person (I learned the hard way the pictures were often a bit deceptive--putting it politely). The name "Sebastian" seemed to bode kindness. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, and he was a patient listener with a sense of humor. I was shocked to hear his voice for the first time, since my stereotype of a bald black man's voice was deep and southern. Sebastian had a strong California accent and spoke like a college student. He sounded young and fun.

Sebastian...a sweet name. Makes me think of the princess in the Never Ending Story crying out "Please 'Bastian...please." I see the little actor's face earnestly trying to save her. Very endearing.

It's three years later and I know now that his given name is Raoul. After several different answers, he now says his true given name is actually Raoul Sebastian Canidate. I (much later) looked "Raoul" up to see what it means.

Raoul means wolf.