Another woman?

The following emails came from one of the addresses in his contact list from the yahoo account. I had trouble with it, so hopefully you can see it all, but I have pasted them into the blog. June 29 to "****" Are you familiar with a man named Sebastian or Raoul Canidate? Jul 28 (2 days ago) Reply who is asking, may I ask... Jul 29 (1 day ago) yes, no problem. Thanks for getting back to me. My name is Jennie *******. I had lived with him since last October and have this email address (*********@hotmail.com) from one of the contact lists in one of his email accounts. I discovered that he is not a screenwriter, not a college grad and was cheating on me in May. He has since moved to Fresno. I am deeply concerned that he is involved with women (I've already contacted 3 besides myself that were in relationships with him within the last year, 2 of those women believed he was in love with them and gave him a lot of money) Depending on whether or not you've been involved with him in anyway, this may be a bit shocking. I have since learned that he uses online dating sites to approach women and has accepted large sums of money to help him "pay off a loan" but the loan doesn't exist. So, I do apologize, I hope he has not scammed you also. This is why I emailed the people from his contact list. I hope to make sure you are safe if involved in anyway, and aware in case he is lying to you now. If you don't mind, may I ask who you are also? I can verify any of this info for you. I just want to make sure that this email address is not his own. I am a teacher and mother to five, the youngest is Sebastian/Raoul's son. If you would be willing, I would appreciate it if you can share how you know him etc. I have no ill intentions toward you, my only wish is to make sure you aren't affected negatively by what he does, and if there is any info you have that may help stop him from hurting others. Some of the other women I've contacted were in disbelief, and called him to see what the truth was. He responds by saying that I am a crazy/bipolar ex girlfriend or that the baby is not his/ waiting for a blood test etc. This is all untrue. I can provide more info for you once I confirm who you are. He's currently under an order of protection. I apologize for being the bearer of bad news, or inconveniencing you with a long story, if it doesn't apply to you. I've attached a copy of the protection order, for verification purposes. I hope to hear back from you, Jennie Her reply:

my question is if what you say is true about this man and how he is someone who you are basically disgusted with and want out of your life...why are you and him friends on facebook still? Now I am not calling you a lier but I want to know the dead honest truth...because believe me if you give me the truth I will give you a lot of truth! It will help you out a lot I believe!???? I hope I should say...

My response today:
That is a very good question. Despite this whole ordeal, I don't have the luxury of cutting him out of my life completely, because of our son. The facebook page by Raoul that you see is a result of my own challenge to him to go public with the fact that he has a son, and supposedly wants to make his life right. It was one of the only ways I could think of to warn any women he might date or get involved with at this point that he's got history. When I first met him, I checked him out thoroughly and found nothing wrong.

He is the one to chose to put "in a relationship" on his profile. You will notice that my facebook is listed as single, and if you view my profile pics, you'll see that one shows him with the rest of our family. That was my old profile picture. I can "unfriend" him, I honestly have just ignored it for a while. He and I still speak sometimes, and he did agree to pay the rent one last time on the home we shared. My children and I are trying to move out, but still trying to find a place of our own. As soon as I do, I will have no more financial ties to him aside from child support that's been ordered through the courts already.

Raoul claims to be "in love" with me, want to be back as a part of the family, etc. And to be honest, even with all that's happened to us, that sometimes sounds real. I have recently stopped communicating with him by phone, because it's really messing with me. I need the distance so I can get healthy after what's happened. I hope you will understand I was in love with him for 3 years, and this is tragic and confusing. He was my "best friend", or so I thought.

I don't know if that explains enough to you. I have had many who know him flat out accuse me of lying. And I would like to give you the info you'd need to verify more, but I still have no idea who you are.

I will do this though, I will let you call me, because that'd be hard to fake for him.
************
There is a woman in Texas who was totally shocked by all this (she was with him for almost 2 years and at the same time that he was living with me), but once we spoke on the phone for a while, it became clear.
I would appreciate any information you may have to clarify what is going on to me, especially if you believe he's even now still lying to me. If he's continuing relationships with others, I have got to cut those final ties of empathy for him. Would you consider talking to me? Or maybe just letting me know who you are so that I am comfortable sending you more info?

Thanks again for responding.

Sick to my stomach

I will post about our first meeting next time, but a few thoughts on today seemed in order.

Last night I talked to Raoul on the phone. With all the uncertainty in my life, I asked him to please call Kevin Groelly (the landlord) to make sure that we are all right to stay in the house through the end of August. Asking for it to be a three way phone call was my idea of giving the conversation validity, you know, some reassurance that he's not lying. Some very real anxiety is really starting to eat at me. I need reassurance.

School is starting next week for me; back to teaching full time. I'll officially be a single working mom with five children. The oldest, 16 will be a Senior, the 11 year old is starting junior high, the 9 year old is starting at a new school, the 5 year old will be starting kindergarten and the nanny will be coming back to start watching the one year old again. We just lost "the love of my life" and the kids near "step dad." Acts of violence have shaken us, our sense of security's been shot.

Looking for a new place to live is stressful enough without adding that our lives are full of major changes to boot.

I know I am the one living this, but it is completely surreal to me. I feel like I am watching a bad Lifetime movie, except that this has more twists and turns...and the plot is not so easy for me to figure out. (Boy, would I just love to know how it all is resolved!) It's like watching an Oprah episode and yelling at the screen, "Hey, lady, really?! I mean, really? You just didn't notice that?"
I've always watched those talk shows where they have women explaining that they didn't know that the guy they were with was psycho with some incredulous mixture of sympathy and disdain. How could they be so blind? All the signs were there!
And wow, that's me. It's really me.

So, with my living in the third person, switching between denial, duty, victim mentality, and dead-on desire to ensure he gets consequences for ruining our life and causing such upheaval...
I ask politely.

"Raoul, a cerified letter notice came to the door. I don't know what it is but it's waiting at the post office..."
I continue to explain that since, of course, Kevin said he was thinking about physically harming me (quoted), could he please contact them to reassure me that we are not being evicted by August first? Obviously, I'm not fired up about contacting him myself. Enough said.

Here's Wendy Groelly's text message from Wed. July 15th, 7:37pm
This has gotten really ugly as u said before on Facebook your (sic) moving out. Can u be out by the end of the month? We have done everything we can for u it's time to part ways

A nice threat and a request to leave with only two weeks notice is enough, I think, to be nervous about.

Raoul replied with "No, I'm not going to do it." Asking why only made it worse. He claimed he didn't feel like it. Then, going back and forth with the clicking, claimed that Kevin called him and said it was fine, but I simply didn't hear it. I asked if he could do it again, then I could hear Wendy, but Raoul just kept going "hello? hello?"

Now, I know darn well that he is very proficient with phones and computers, but the three way call seemed to elude him. We ended up arguing.

Why? Because I am dumb. I should have hung up.

I did let him know how disgusted I was, that I didn't believe him one bit, and couldn't believe that he couldn't get this simple thing done to put my mind at ease, especially since he claims to be in love with me, hoping to come home some day, and making his life right.

How can this be asking too much?

Anyways, I'm just sick to my stomach about all of it.

Today I did get an email from Wendy:

From:	wgroelly@aol.com The above "From:" address may be forged. Save Address
Subject:	Re: Rental agreement
Date:	Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:59:29 AM [View Source]
Reputation:	No information. Show details
	No digital signature in message.

Hi ***** I talked to Raoul and he is paying rent for Aug. So you don't need to be out until Aug.29th. Thanks.


Ok. Well, now I know. Thanks Raoul. Thanks.

Still sick to my stomach though.

From the beginning

After separating from my ex-husband in February of 2006, I faced the challenge of his visitation with our three children. Every other weekend I lingered about for what felt like eternity. My home became a gigantic void, too quiet. Determined not to sit idle, I purchased a pet bird. While the chirping brought relief from the silence, it did nothing for the loneliness. I tried talking to the little guy, but nothing really came of it (birds truly lack focus!). I kept imagining that I could hear my daughters' voices and kept looking around for my son...

At thirty-three years old (and a teacher, at that) all my peers were married with kids. Without single friends, I always felt like the social pariah. I tried to avoid inconveniencing married friends with my lame calls about how I was doing nothing. They lacked interest in going out, because most were grateful to have just a moment with their men if the kids weren't around. No time to go out with a divorced girl friend. Ugh...

I only lasted through the first month or so, when I started dabbling around dating sites. I honestly wondered if anyone could ever be interesting in dating someone my age with so many kids, and reasoned that surely dating just for fun was better than staying home wallowing in this.

Not long after I subscribed to Match.com, I realized these dating sites attract all sorts. There were many old men, all sorts of odd types, and the ones whose profile pics were shirtless. I avoided those! Yes, really, I did. There was a teacher I dated for a while before learning what exactly a player was. Like a fool, I started to think I loved him after a few months. Now I look back and realized what everyone meant by "rebound relationship."

Sometime around September came an email from a man named Sebastian. He was listed as a 32 year old man, working at the airline, having a master's degree and no children. His self-description was well-written and showed a variety of interests. The user name was AMAMADEUS. My main hook was intelligence at this point. (I also learned that poorly written profiles seemed to be quite indicative.) No smile in the picture, but I really like the smoldering look in his eyes. He seemed like a happy person, and I wondered what he looked like in person (I learned the hard way the pictures were often a bit deceptive--putting it politely). The name "Sebastian" seemed to bode kindness. We spoke on the phone a couple of times, and he was a patient listener with a sense of humor. I was shocked to hear his voice for the first time, since my stereotype of a bald black man's voice was deep and southern. Sebastian had a strong California accent and spoke like a college student. He sounded young and fun.

Sebastian...a sweet name. Makes me think of the princess in the Never Ending Story crying out "Please 'Bastian...please." I see the little actor's face earnestly trying to save her. Very endearing.

It's three years later and I know now that his given name is Raoul. After several different answers, he now says his true given name is actually Raoul Sebastian Canidate. I (much later) looked "Raoul" up to see what it means.

Raoul means wolf.

Attorney or punk?

The day after Dulce, the singer, had it out with me on the phone, I received a strange call.

Saved voice message, Friday 2:56 pm 956-621-2763
Mrs. ******, this is attorney Javier Villareal calling from Brownsville, Texas.
I represent Dulce Gonzales, who you subpoenaed to show up in Arizona a week from now.
Can you please call my cell phone at 956-571-6155? Thank you.

Well, at first I thought, darn it, she got an attorney...more legal issues for me. And then resigned myself to it--because I've done nothing illegal--before I realized:

1. What kind of an attorney asks you to call their cell phone? Being in the professional world myself, I avoid anyone from work calling my personal phone at all costs!

2. The voice sounded like an unsure-of-himself nineteen year old.

3. From Brownsville? Not from the law firm's name?

I listened to the message again.

4. The phone number it was called from was not the same as the one he left me to call back.

Ok, now I think it's a prank call. I call the "attorney" anyhow.

When he answers, he seems to be guessing at his own identity and trying to figure out who I am. I question whether or not he represents her, and if so, why didn't he file with the courts and mail the documents to me? What was the name of his firm? He gave his own name for the firm, which I thought was laughable. He said he was doing this more as just a friend, and tried to bully his way into a conversation with "Do you really expect her to show up in court? Are you going to pay for her trip?" Immediately I shut him down with telling him I believed it was illegal to impersonate a lawyer and if he ever called me again, I'd file an Injunction Against Harassment against him.

I took a breather before dialing Dulce. She answered in her sweet, girlish voice that he really was an attorney and apologized because "she didn't mean to laugh." I conclude that she is truly idiotic and was completely taken aback that she was actually dull enough to request that someone pose as an attorney to crank call me. I am actually disappointed because I thought she was better than this. I mean, what is this, high school? She argued that I could look him up on the internet (I did later on, to find that there was actually a listing but the business was not active...but who knows, and who cares?) I think I heard her make some inane comment as to my paying for her trip to Arizona, and then I interrupted with "Sweetie..."
She commanded me not to call her sweetie, because she was not my sweetie. At that point, I certainly had quite enough of the childishness and hung up on her.

After the time it took me to let this sink in, I sat numbly in my chair. Had it really happened? Had this little trollop actually learned everything that has happened to us, and still reacted this way? Where are the sane people in this world? What about her mother's earnest pleas? What about her promises not be selfish anymore? How on earth did Sebastian date such a conceited little prick? Really? He left me to date a 22 year old, empty headed, fat, short brat? I'm disgusted with myself, with him, with her...with the world. Now I understand how she was stupid enough to buy his lies and put up with him visiting her so rarely.

But then...what was my excuse?

I laid my head down on my desk, and just sobbed quietly.

She finally calls

After almost a month of silence from the Texas singer, I got a call at 11:37 p.m. I didn't recognize the number, and was actually surprised to her voice. She received a call from the process server, that she said was professional, but still came across threatening, and wanted to verify that the man really was employed on my behalf. After expressing her concerns that I was speaking to Raoul still, she emphatically implored me to remove her name from the blog. She continued with how it wasn't fair to her, that she was a victim too, it was all a nightmare...she needed a break from it... I tried to convey my thoughts on her request, which, honestly...was not pleasant, but couldn't seem to get through without her taking over the conversation. My patience wore...

Finally, she finished presenting her case, and actually implied there would be a time line she'd impose. I asked plainly what the alternative was. She then said she'd no other recourse but to asked politely. I softened at her response. Although it's painfully clear we are all victims in this situation, I had a lot of trouble finding empathy for her plea. I said I would try to go and change it on the blog, but honestly didn't even know how to yet (which was true, but I didn't even really want to at this point). I could hear her burst into tears when her mother took the phone. She spoke to me in Spanish, which I am not completely fluent in, but I understood most.

She appealed to me as a mother, and gave several mitigating circumstances that prevented her daughter from getting back to me. My patience grew even thinner as I remembered how the singer promised to send a witness statement, and to send other things...among them his laptop computer that she found very strange things on...but I waited and waited for nothing. No witness statement was ever FedExed, no package ever came. I checked. I waited. I checked again...

Nothing.

My hopes had been dashed. The only person who actually saw the same thing as I: a man full of lies and cruelty...the only woman I knew of that could truly testify that I am not crazy, testify that this man is crazy, the only person I believed held the key to the safety of my children...simply disappeared.

I remembered my cousin's anger when asking about her, and Cindy's sharp words about how selfish this woman was to turn her back on us. I remembered the disappointment in Ericka's young, expectant eyes when I tried to explain that the young woman had a career to protect while I tried to hide my own deep, gnawing fear that I'd show up in court and be made a fool of...

Her mother implored me...No merecemos esta situacion, Somos unas personas decentes... (we don't deserve these circumstances, we are decent/good people). She said that Sebastian (Raoul) used the most dangerous weapon of all, love. She begged me as a mother, quita el nombre de ella del internet (take her name off the internet). At some point I began to cry. I apologized a number of times that they had to suffer, that all of us were in pain.

She was right to take the tack of a mom. I truly understand how miserable it is to see my own daughter cry, and couldn't hold to the hardness in my heart. Before relenting, however, I firmly explained how I believed it was wrong to say you are going to do something and not follow through. It is very important to see that there is a world of problems much larger than a young girl who wants to sing. I straight out called her selfish. I have a baby here, and his father isn't right...something very serious is happening. I need your help! I asked them to please never force me to get a subpoena, spending so much money and effort to force them to help. If she had followed through, maybe I would have never felt the need to go so far?

After talking to her mom, I asked to speak to the singer again. This time, we both put our defenses down. She shared her earnest pain, and she listened. I probably spoke too much this time. But I realized that in her world, this is a shattering experience, too. I felt compassion for her. There were lots of excuses on why she made her choices, but in the end, she is only in her early twenties. Would I really have done differently at that age? I can see how someone who could, would simply walk away and start anew.

I, however, wake every morning to the 24/7 reminder: This tender life that God has entrusted to me, my baby boy, who needs me to be strong enough to protect him from even the unseen, protect him from the horrible things my other children could not avoid, and he needs me to be strong enough not simply to ask for help, not simply to press others for help...

but to demand it.

Kevin and the threat

After finding out that Kevin and Wendie, the owners of the home I've been living in, have 4 properties listed as owner occupied, I really wanted to get out of this living arrangement. I've asked both Kevin and Wendie, separately and together to either get together with me and/or sign a lease on a month to month basis over and over. There has always been an excuse. Family in town, gotta run, call on the other line...whatever. After posting on Facebook that I was looking for a place, my good friend from Colorado asked why. I told her the whole story about how the landlords wanted to make sure I could stay, saying that they needed to make payments late for four months and then refinance the loan. After three real estate agents and one bank employee explained to me that it only takes sixty days now to refinance, and that I definitely should move out-- I thought I'd take the hint.

Well, within an hour of posting my need for a new place, Wendie called with a lease. Could I email it to you? She was urgent and flustered. Hmmm...

It didn't get emailed by 2:00 p.m., as she promised, but after a follow up call, I did pull it from my email and print. It still listed the house rent at $1400, and had conditions like that the owners could come by anytime. I decided to email a reply with a request to sit down with them and discuss the lease.

Wendie finally called and asked simply if she could come by to pick it up. I requested that we meet once again. She began to say it was unnecessary when her husband took the phone from her. I could hear scuffling and arguing. Kevin said he'd meet with me. After explaining that I'd rather meet publicly at the Village Inn here in A.J., he changed it without explanation to the Walmart on Signal Butte. He was quite sarcastic when I earnestly requested we be able to sit down and talk instead of meet in a parking lot, explaining there was a Subway inside. Feeling a bit dumb, I agreed and could hear a man's voice in their vehicle jumping in to say,"Ya, I can be there."

This scared me, so I asked who it was. Kevin, in his usual jumpy, frantic manner said it was his brother. Naturally my next question was why his brother needed to be there. He gave some odd answer and seemed to put on a nonchalant tone. I felt alarmed, but agreed nevertheless.

After hanging up, the phone rang right back in my hand. Startled, I answered to hear Wendie's voice, angry and intense, canceling the meeting. When I asked her why, she started lacing curse words into her feelings of insult about being called a liar on Facebook. She complained that they have bent over backwards to make sure I could stay in the house and were only trying to help me. After a barrage of words, I calmly replied that I looked up the information on the house, and with $260,000 financed on it, the payments should be around $1800. Why had they taken such a loss on the home during the arrangements they made with Raoul? What kind of friends were they really? Also, there are four properties listed with you as the owner/occupant...didn't she know this was illegal? Volume raised as she yelled. How dare I investigate them? How dare I go into their personal business? She began a lame attempt to explain when Kevin stole the phone away again.

I could feel my heart pounding, as he began a tirade of how they were only trying to help me. I began shaking. I reminded him that just last week I requested a lease in my name, due to fear of what would happen to the children and I and he rudely shouted that he'd never seen a penny from me.

You see, all this time, Kevin complained that Raoul was constantly late with payments. He even claimed that he served Raoul eviction notices at least three times. Of course, this was when they drove wildly up to our home, knocked on the door and the window, shocking Ericka and sending her into tears. I answered the door that night, asking to step outside to avoid concerning the children in this catastrophe, but Kevin insisted that he be allowed to show Ericka it was only him, you know, to calm her. Instead, he barged into the house, looking about and asking what property of Raoul's I might be selling. Perhaps he could trade the big screen TV for rent?

Sickened by his greedy response, I manage to put the feeling aside as I saw Wendie tear up. As a mom, I could see she understood my grief at seeing the man I loved stabbed a sword through my kids' belongings, and admitted to, not one, but two affairs. She seemed to empathize, and asked if I'd go to church with them. I didn't necessarily have a strong desire to go to church, but believing them sincere, hugged Kevin and cried that I needed God right now.

So, all this reaction when we first learned the truth about "Sebastian," but now he yells about how Raoul is the only one who ever made a payment? How does this make sense?

By the time Kevin finished on the phone with me, I retorted,
"What did you just say to me?"
He clarified that he only meant he was thinking about physically attacking me. I hung up promptly and called the police.

Wondering if he'll do it

It's Wednesday, July 15th. Today I need to make sure the subpoenas are served to Dulce Maria Gonzalez Aldaz, the 22 year old singer from Pharr,Texas who's been involved with him for almost two years (she explains it was one year and seven months, remember being silly enough to count months?). I am waiting to hear back from the legal service company who I hired to serve Barbara Franks-Dietrich to confirm that it's done. $50 bucks. Whew. The money seems to be leaking from the bottom of the bucket.

I am nervous every day. Talking to him seems to be a waste of time. Sometimes I think it's helpful, other times I think he's using it to manipulate me.

Last night I challenged him to create a facebook page in his own right. I said it needed to have the real names of his family and true information about his son. He lied to me several times while setting it up. He said my friend request didn't go through, and that he didn't get my email. I quickly logged on as him, and saw that both were there, no problem. He threw a fit about how this is where he draws the line, yadda yadda yadda.

I pretty much told him he'd do a deal with the devil if there was money involved and challenged him on his reticence. "You just don't want communication between the people on your side and those on this side, you don't want this world to cross over into your world! Because then whatever you are hiding will come out." Of course, this is the clean version of it.

Anyways, today he claims he'll invite his friends, family, coworkers to be his "friend" and see the page for themselves. If he invites you, accept. I don't believe he'll actually take this step.